A Fearful Symmetry
by VaultGirl
Summary: One shot heart to heart between FxCourier and Joshua Graham. Tone is dark, serious - takes place after completion of Honest Hearts.


_Fallout: New Vegas and its content are the property of Bethesda._

_Author's Notes: one shot between female courier and Joshua Graham. Not sure what I'd call it - troubled courier struggling within herself has a heart to heart with Joshua, more of an exercise in dialog writing. More serious and dark than fun and playful like my other one-shots - it is what it is. The poem referenced is The Tyger by William Blake. The courier here is generic on purpose (b/c everyone's is different) - but for this, she has high enough intelligence to speak Latin. Might be considered AU, so just throwing that in here. Please excuse any grammar/spelling errors. The situation is kinda screwed up - I already know, but I hope someone enjoys it..._

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><p><strong>A Fearful Symmetry<strong>

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><p>The courier looked down from the Three Mary's cliff side, watching the two tribes under a darkened sky as the sun receded into the horizon. Below her the Sorrows and Dead Horses tended their wounded and stacked the bodies of the fallen foes in large piles. Today they tasted victory against the White Legs and all rejoiced in celebration...even the courier with one exception. She couldn't shake the last moments of the battle from her mind. The White Legs leader, Salt-Upon-Wounds, begged for his life on his knees...a leader who would not leave the Sorrows and Dead Horses in peace. In his last few moments he asked for mercy and she saw the darkness in the Burned Man's eyes. She believed him earlier when he said he did not enjoy killing and saw this as a "righteous" chore, but ...what she saw in his soul at that very moment said otherwise. She killed the White Legs leader before his demon could be fed...and now she had regrets in how she handled things.<p>

As the day's events replayed over in her mind, her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of an all too familiar voice coming from a few feet away. _"I'm surprised you're still here,"_ he says. She turns to see the man she fought along side today approaching her... the one wrapped in constant pain and white gauze. She exhales sadly and says, "I'm in no hurry to leave. "

_"Considering staying at Zion then? You've been a good neighbor to us - we'd be happy to..."_

"I'm only here for a short while longer. I can't stay," she says, interrupting him before he can finish his sentence. They look at each other briefly before she looks down at one of the Sorrows healers tending an injured warrior. "We both know I can't stay... It's not how things work for people like us."

He walks up beside her, crossing his arms. Slightly amused by her statement, he asks_, "And how do things work for people like us then?"_

"You do God's work according to his will, and I do the work of...any one offering the most caps."

"_If you don't enjoy that kind of life, you don't have to live like that. The Lord provided a path of salvation before you today."_

The courier turns to face him and says,"Did He now? But I'm not a New Canaanite."

He uncrosses his arms and says, _"But we are all the Lord's children, including the Gentiles. The Lord has room in His heart to forgive all his children - they just need to ask."_

She shakes her head, "If I asked...if He did forgive me...it wouldn't change things. Wouldn't stop the pending war in the Mojave, now would it? "

_"The Lord works in mysterious ways, courier. He may show you the path that brings peace. You won't know until you walk it."_

"Peace? Many people believe that the absence of war is the same as peace. I was one of those people once. But now I'm slowly learning that real peace lies within our ability to cope with conflict. No, war is coming and nothing will stop that now." She looks back at the Sorrows, then up at the sun as it sinks into the horizon.

"_What is troubling you, courier? And don't tell me Hoover dam. I know it's something else."_

She faces him and says, "The day you were cast from the Legion..." She stops herself, biting her lip as she looks over his bandaged body before saying, "I meant no disrespect - it must be difficult to..." He interrupts her, "_It's ok. It doesn't bother me to talk about it, especially if it helps someone else learn from my mistakes._" She nods and continues, "You said the love of the New Canaanites is what saved you...that the love of your Lord saved you that day. I..."

She pauses for a moment as the attention of the two is temporarily averted by a brilliant light coming from the bottom of the valley. They looked down and see the bodies of dead White Legs are now burning. They both stare as the pyres grows brighter. Joshua breathes a little harder as he watches, and the courier thinks to herself, _ No doubt, this is a little too close to home for him_. _The man was baptized in fire._ His eyes are mesmerized by the flames as he says, "_Yes. The love of God and the New Canaanites saved me, courier. And I am forever grateful._" She reaches out and gently takes his hand. He turns his head sharply, surprised by her act of affection, and sees she is looking at him with a friendly smile on her face. She says, "Forgive me for what I'm about to say - I don't mean this offensively - but you shouldn't be here, Joshua. But yet here you stand. Reborn. I was baptized in gunpowder and dirt - shot in the head and buried alive. *I* shouldn't be here either. But yet here I stand next to you, also reborn. You were saved by love...but what saved me? I have asked myself that question every day and I can honestly say, I can't tell you. The only thing that has kept me going was the need for revenge - the need to repay the man who tried to kill me."

He squeezes her hand as they continue to look into each others eyes and says, "_You were saved by the same love that saved me. But the Lord called upon you to rid the world of this man so he wouldn't do the same to another. It is not pleasant task, but one the Lord has given to you alone, courier._ "

Her eyes look away from his as she contemplates his words. "God's love? I...I don't know." She pauses for a moment before looking back at him and says, "Did you know right now, there are places in this world where the people fear to speak your name because they will be killed if they do so, _Joshua Graham_? But you knew who you were before you were reborn...had a chance to learn from your mistakes. That is a luxury I do not have. A day doesn't go by where I don't ask myself who I was - someone who willing surrendered herself to do God's will, or was God's will imposed upon the wicked as a punishment...just a blind pawn promoted in a game of chess?" She turns her head to watch the burning bodies yet again. "I fear the answer to that question is not the answer I want to hear. I...every time I think about it, I just can't get this poem I heard out of my head... _When the stars threw down their spears, And water'd heaven with their tears, Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee?_"

Before she can finish he says, "What immortal hand or eye Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? .._.I know the poem, courier, and I know what you're thinking - the Lord created everything. But did He also create evil? Did He save you that day, or was it something else? Something darker?_" Her mouth drops open in shock. The thoughts that echoed within her for so long were so much harder to hear vocalized than she expected. A life saved but a lifetime lost, a life she questioned everyday. Surely, only the most nefarious of people would be punished with a life's worth of memories taken away. Or was it as Joshua said - something darker, something wicked that kept her alive when she should be ash and dust? She releases his hand, and covers her mouth. He stands in front of her and places his hands on her shoulders, "_Evil does not save, courier. It only knows how to hurt and maim. I know because I walked too long down that path. And what matters more now is who you are and what you do today. You were given a new beginning, whatever the reason - it is who you are now. Accept it as a gift - envied by those of us who can not escape our nightmares of the past._"

She takes a deep breath as she fights the tears that are forming in her eyes. She takes step toward him so their faces are inches apart and she whispers so only he may hear. "Joshua, I...I saw your demon today. The one that lies still in your heart. For a split second, I was blinded by images - of things that have not happened but may come to pass. I saw an army worst than the Legion could aspire to be...an army of Sorrows and Dead Horses... led by you. The demon wants out - and I killed Salt-Upon-Wounds to seal him within. The demon was not fed, and slumbers yet again. And before you tell me what a *good deed* that may or may not have been - can those aligned with all that is good really see such things in the heart of man? Who could look there and understand what's in it's heart?" A tear falls down her cheek as she smiles, "How...how could I do that?" Joshua's breathing increases as they stare at each other - he can't believe what he's just heard. He wasn't sure what was more unbelievable - that she saw all that...or that she was right. Before he can say a word, she leans in and kisses him gently on his wrapped lips and says, "Forgive me," as she leans back and begins to fall backwards off the cliff side.

She holds her hands out by her side and closes her eyes as her body begins to fall when a hand reaches out and grabs her. Her feet are planted firm into the cliff side, but she looks like Joshua is helping her lay down while maintaining a standing position. Her straight body hovers over the distant flames below - the only thing keeping her from falling into the funeral pyres is Joshua. She tries to catch her breath and he sees the calm in her expression. Joshua yells, "_I've got you!_" He pulls her up slightly and she yells, "_Da mihi aut vita aut morte, Malpais legato! (Give me life or death, Malpais Legate)" _

He stops pulling her up. He can't believe his ears, the words that escaped the courier's lips. He shouts,_ "No - you're not Legion." _Shes says,_ "I am what I am. What is the will of your Lord now? What is the will of your heart?_" He stares at her, letting her teeter on the edge of life and death. She swallows hard and yells, "Will I deliver the Mojave straight into Caesar's hands? Do what you know must be done, Legate!" He stares in her eyes then looks down in the valley below. He sees the faces of the Sorrows and Dead Horses are are staring at them both. His arm begins to shake, strained from holding her weight. After a few moments, he pulls her back up and says, "_There are better ways to test a person, courier. The will of my Lord is for you to live. Always has been. And I don't go by that name anymore. I am no more Legion than you are now._"

She moves well away from the cliff's edge. She falls to her knees, looks to the sky, and says, "It was not a good test...but a test nonetheless. Call it a leap of faith. And you are right - I am not Legion...they will fall to the last man if I have anything to do about it. But I did not want to have to march against an even more fearsome army...march against you, Joshua. I had to know...do you do the work of the Lord or the work of your demon, whether you could control your demon or if I had to control it for you."

"_You did this...so you could kill me?_"

She throws him something wrapped in cloth and says, "No. Like you said - a test. I do not know if anyone can actually kill a nephilim**." He removes the cloth and is surprised to see she has thrown him a detonator. "Right pocket," she replies. He reaches into his pocket and removes the c-4 charge she placed there. She grabs her gear bag and says as she walks away, "It funny how my detonator's work. Throw it into a flame and it would have set the charge off before it melted. Two reborn people - two lives linked together. The fate of both in your hands. I let you chose today... because I don't enjoy righteous chores either."

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><p><em>**Nephilim (taken from online dictionary): (Gen. 6:4; Num. 13:33, R.V.), giants, the Hebrew word left untranslated by the Revisers, the name of one of the Canaanitish tribes. The Revisers have, however, translated the Hebrew gibborim, in Gen. 6:4, "mighty men."<em>


End file.
